March 8, 2013

on giving the "right" amount

On Monday at work this week one of my colleagues asked me about my weekend. I told her it was a little boring but good, that I took my pup to the dog park and helped my boyfriend clean his apartment. She asked if I cleaned up after him often and I said no, just this weekend.

"I cleaned and cooked for my husband all the time when we were dating. I wanted him to know that I loved him and wanted him to stick around. Now he complains when I'm not constantly cleaning or catering to him and it doesn't make me happy."

This isn't my situation at all, but I get where she is coming from. I have felt this way sometimes, when I want something to come together so much that I do whatever I can to make it work. I wonder if her husband would have married her if she didn't do those things for him? If he would have loved her had she just been herself?

You want to do nice things for the people you love. You want to take care of them and will do things you don't always like, but where is the line when you are giving too much of yourself? I was reading Vintch earlier today and thought the last paragraph of the blog post got it right:

"it's when these things are expected and sought after without consideration that the partnership begins to weaken, and when the surprise of a sweet deed begins to carry less of its beautiful weight. because yes, being partners means carrying the person, sometimes. picking them up and physically, spiritually and emotionally trudging through the murk and gorgeousness of life together. but it also means knowing when, for the health of the relationship, to let him down to walk by himself. not in front of you or behind you, but right smack-dab next to you, for as long as you both shall live."


  1. I totally agree that there is such a thing as "giving too much" to try to make up for something that isn't there. Many times, women give up their friends, their hobbies, and get way too into what they think the guy wants just to keep him. Romantic relationships shouldn't be a form of modern day slavery.

  2. there is a great book called the "five love languages" that outlines the ways that couples can give & take in a relationship... many times the people speak different "love languages" in a relationship and that's why it seems like they are being taken for granted, etc. I can tell you that book made a world of difference in my marriage when we realized what our varying languages were! :)

    By the way, I love your Frenchie Friday posts. :)

    1. I love your point about "speaking different languages". I need to buy this book because I feel like I could benefit from it in my current relationship. I love my boyfriend but he's not very verbal which is hard for me because that is how I communicate. Hopefully they have some tips on how to work through this.

      I'm glad you like the frenchie posts :)